Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
