Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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