some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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