every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
