I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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