He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
