The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
