Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
