I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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