I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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