I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
