apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
