first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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