I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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