i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
