right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
