Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
