There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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