My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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