he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
