don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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