It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
