I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
