i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
