before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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