she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
