true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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