i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
