worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
What changed your mind?
Being sober
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
