Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I got inside last night via doggy door
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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