i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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