I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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