My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
