Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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