this beer tastes like vomit already
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
