I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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