Who did Billy Mays play for?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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