We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
