I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
