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If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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