the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
