his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
