You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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