miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
