It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
