even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
