I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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