Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
