I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
