there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
