was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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