There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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