I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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