Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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