I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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