K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
