i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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