he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
